Tierra Del Fuego National Park. Home of the Fighting Yamanas!
My invisible friend Arthur sitting on a tree in Tierra Del Fuego.
Horses being horses.
Mountains being mountains.
Everyone loves a kilt!
From left to right: Natasha, my invisible friend Arthur, Savina, and John.
Lake Argentina. Patagonia. Yeah, I know. It's the best picture you've ever seen.
Quit clowning around Arthur!
Perito Moreno Glacier with a mysterious black spot in upper right corner.
Perito Moreno Glacier again.
Still the Perito Moreno Glacier.
Get used to it. There are like 50 more photos of this glacier.
Sick of it yet?
Hey, there's that mysterious black spot again.
Guess which glacier this is?
This pose is called a "phoon." You might want to get used to seeing this as well.
Group phoon! Left to right: Natasha, Jana, John (notice the kilt), Ann, Rob, Brandon, and Arthur.
Me and Ann. The guy in the red jacket is not looking through binoculars. He is crying because I pushed him out of the way. What a baby.
Arthur is blocking the scenery. Jerk.
Believe it or not, this is not Perito Moreno! This is a view of Cerro Torre which is just outside El Chalten.
HA HA! Look what's back AGAIN! Gotcha suckers!
This is the day I went ice climbing. We got to cross a river as an added bonus.
If I remember correctly, this person did not fall and die.
Hey, that's me! I think I'm missing my teddy bear.
If I remember correctly, I did not fall and die.
Cerro Torre. No relation to Joe.
Here I am pouting because I wanted to phoon on the rock that the blue shirt guy is sitting on. He sure is inconsiderate!
That black spot is looking so sweet!
Patagonia Fact: It is *never* windy in Patagonia. Never.
Arthur is giving me "bunny ears".
Finally! A photo without Arthur messing things up.
Getting ready to ice climb. Unfortunately for that guy, he was in my way.
Ice Climbing Fact: It's easier when you are on flat ground and the photographer uses a weird angle.
Ice climbing is a lot like milking a cow. That is, if cows were like ice and milking them was like climbing.
Mount Fitzroy at 10:36 am.
Mount Fitzroy at 10:37 am with the black spot.
Mount Fitzroy at 10:38 am.
Mount Fitzroy at 10:39:22 am.
Mount Fitzroy at 10:40 am on October 12th, 1854.
Need to work on my "phooning" technique.
Torres Del Paine. Technically, it's pronounced "Torres Del Paine." It's amazing how many people get it wrong.
Telling one of my fish stories.
Left to right: John, Natasha, Rob, Ann, and an alien. I mean, seriously, that's freaky looking.
Ahh...still not lifting my right arm properly. Sheesh.
Arthur knows how to phoon!
Mount Fitzroy at 10:41 am on October 12th, 2198.
Salto Grande in Torres Del Paine National Park. Sounds like a drink at Starbucks: "I'll have a Salto Grande, please."
Ann in front of "the Horns" at Torres Del Paine.
That black spot should at least phoon or something.
This is the Patagonian lake that sits in the Chilean park that Jack built.
This is not Perito Moreno. This is the "Grey Glacier" located in Torres Del Paine.
This photo was taken by a hot British actress named Sally. Her mom was very rude, just ask John the kiltsman.
Can you see why they call it "Grey Glacier?"
No, this picture is *not* in black and white. That's just how the "Grey Glacier" looks!
Around this time I was trying to figure out a way to nonchalantly take a picture of Sally the hot British actress.
Right now I'm thinking, "Maybe I could ask her if she wants me to take a picture of her with her camera and then I can discreetly switch and use my camera instead."
Right here I'm thinking, "OK, what if I have someone take a picture of me and I just position myself right by her?"
This is the next day. At this point, I'm thinking, "Man, I really blew it! Not one picture of Sally."
Is that black spot getting bigger or is it just me?
This is a different boat. No Sally on this one.
A Patagonian valley doing what Patagonian valleys do.
A Patagonian lake doing what Patagonian valleys do...wait a second...
Nice rainbow, huh? Thanks photoshop!
Hey, it's "the Horns" again. These pics are out of order.
Hey! That's the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich! What's going on here?
Oh, ok. We're back. This is Cerro Almirante Nieto dominating the scene.
This is a guanaco. They are related to the North American Grizzly bear and they can leap up to 500 feet with both eyes closed and one tail tied behind their back.
Puerto Natales. Most likely, there is a kidnap victim in the trunk of the car in the foreground.
Left to right: Jana from California, Rob from Canada, Ann from Belgium, me from my mom, John from Scotland, Natasha (our fearless group leader) from Peru and England, Arthur from my imagination, and some invisible floozy that Arthur picked up from who knows where.
OK, Jana is kissing John but why does that guy on the far left have no face?
Jana and her backpack. I think she nicknamed it "Timmy."
Thanks to Ann I was able to snap a picture of that Anna Kournikova look-a-like at the table behind us.
Natasha and John discuss the latest developments in particle physics research.
I bet kilts make it really easy to pee.
Natasha and her husband Gunter. I'm getting really sick of her hat, to be honest.
This is not a candid photo. I meticulously designed each person's pose.
Rob? Is from Canada? They talk? Like they are asking questions? Eh?
These two are looking at me like I just cut the queso. Must have been that Salto Grande I had earlier.
If John had a dime for every picture someone took of him with his kilt...he'd probably have enough money to buy a decent pair of pants.
Seriously, enough with the hat. Those treats are mighty tasty, by the way.
Ushuaia. The southernmost city in the world (according to Ushuaia's board of tourism).
Ushuaia. What happens here happens upside down.
Ushuaia. Believe it or not, it's technically pronounced "Ushuaia."
In between my Patagonia and Antarctic tours, I backtracked and flew all the way to Iguazu Falls because I'm a horrible trip planner.
And the black spot came along as well.
This is a view of the Brazilian side which I didn't go to because they charge U.S. citizens something like one million dollars, two bananas, and the life of your youngest child for one lousy entrance Visa.
Waterfalls being waterfalls.
Arthur takes terrible pictures of me.
Sometimes I wonder about the black spot. Where is it now? Is it lonely? Why does it cry? Does it still love me?
Sometimes I accidentally take good pictures.
This was my favorite view.
Sometimes I take the same picture over and over again.
Iguazu Falls Fact: In Argentina, they spell it "Iguazu." In Brazil, they spell it "Iguacu," and elsewhere they spell it "Iguassu." Geez, people! Can't we all just get along?
On board the little red ship (the Explorer) as we head to Antarctica.
Say hello to our new friend, the white smudge!
Left to right: C with no eyeballs (yes, his name is "C." His parents could only afford one letter), Brian, Mark, and Stephe's arm
I think C moves so fast no camera can capture him. This is also a great pic of Rajan. Oh, the stories we could tell about these two!
Stephe and Angela. Oh, the stories we could tell about these two! That is, if they actually did anything of note together.
These boots were made for guano.
This is a Gentoo penguin. You are supposed to stay 5 meters away from the penguins. As you can see, Arthur does not obey rules very well.
Female elephant seals being female elephant seals.
I'm a talented phooner. And a moron, I know.
Cool glacier in Neko Harbor.
Do you remember this glacier? It is Perito Moreno! And it is not in Antarctica.
Back in Neko Harbor, some of us got to slide down a hill. Some of us named Brandon also got to rip their cheap Wal-Mart rain pants as they slid down the hill.
This was before the ripped pants incident. As you can see, I still have the Shrek stickers that certain annoying-hat-wearing Patagonian GAP group leader stuck on my camera bag.
The cool Neko Harbor glacier again. Hey, they should film "Tremors 5" in Antarctica! That's right, believe it or not, there are four of those stupid Tremors movies (the first was good, though).
Probably the greatest phoon picture ever. Check out www.phoons.com to see them all and decide for yourself. All of my pics on the website are at: http://www.phoons.com/brandon_2a.html
Poor penguins. They are not used to snow. I want to buy them all parkas. And knees, too. They could use a good set of knees.
Around this time I starting thinking about that British actress again.
This part of Antarctica is known as Iceberg Alley. Iceberg alley is pretty.
Iceberg alley is neat.
Iceberg alley is swell.
Iceberg alley is, like, totally cool.
Iceberg alley is fun for the whole family.
Iceberg alley is a nerd who wears glasses.
That iceberg is actually a cool jump that the leopard seals use to get rad on.
Iceberg Alley Fact: There are more icebergs in Iceberg Alley than there are ways to skin a cat or leave your lover.
Iceberg alley looks like my freezer.
Whatever happened to the black spot? That's not it, is it?
If I were a photoshop expert, I'd put a Starbucks in this picture.
If I were a photoshop expert, I'd take Arthur out of this picture.
I'd like to see a penguin steal a Zodiak and go cruising for chicks.
There's our ship. And there's people lying down hoping against hope that a penguin will come and walk all over them.
Mom always said if you don't have a funny caption to post, then don't post one at all.
Wouldn't a nice huge oil rig look awesome right here? That's a joke, people! A joke! I mean, just *one* rig would be wasteful.
Manning that Zodiak *ship* is GAP historian and Antarctic freedom fighter, Ian Shaw.
That glacier looks like Madison Square Garden.
OK, maybe it doesn't look like MSG. The Staples Center maybe?
The bar at Vernadsky base, a Ukranian research station. Unfortunately, the bar was closed because our tour guide had apparently wiped out the entire supply of alcohol earlier that morning.
Kicking Arthur's butt in pool in Antarctica.
Vernadsky base also has a roller coaster park! You can see Arthur in the bottom right. He's scared to death! All right, fine, so I found this pic on the internet. But check out the guy reading a book. How brilliant is that?
The trail of the Explorer as it ruins the ecology of Antarctica.
Sometimes I wish I were a ballerina.
"You're going to Antarctica? Why? What's to see down there?
On one Antarctic landing, I wore mismatching socks. Shhhhhh....that's our little secret.
This nifty photo was deemed not good enough to make the end-of-the-trip slide show in the Explorer Lounge. Wiz says I should sell it for $20.
Say hello to Andrew, otherwise known as "Photoboy" due to the fact that he took approximately 5,657,938,647 googleplexes of photos throughout the duration of our trip.
Antarctic Fact: Fewer people visit Antarctica in one year than visit Paris Hilton in one month.
See this pole? Photoboy took 15 dozen photos of it. A day.
Antarctic Fact: King penguins were named after an early explorer's favorite rock 'n roll pioneer.
The Explorer is not an ice breaking ship, per se, it is actually an ice butt-kicking ship.
Antarctic Fact: The winter temperature of an average Antarctic iceberg is super duper cold.
According to ghost hunters, the ectoplasm in Antarctica is very powerful.
GAP Adventures is the name of the company that ran both tours I took (Antarctica and Patagonia). They own the ship, the Explorer. GAP stands for "Great Adventure People." It is a nice company with a pretty silly name.
Using the ship's spotlight to find the dignity of a passenger named Steeve.
Our failed attempt to re-create Shackleton's Endurance adventure.
Arthur sure is funny, isn't he?
The Explorer is not an ice breaking ship, per se, it is actually an ice-you better-check-yourself-before-you wreck-yourself ship.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen. We are currently at latitude 65°41'67 S and longitude 64°52' W. This is probably the furthest south you'll ever reach in your lifetime. The maitre d' has informed me that your certificates are ready. Enjoy the rest of your life, folks."
Canadian Fact: The owner of GAP Adventures does not believe in modern medicine. Or seatbelts.
From left to right: Someone throwing up, Mark, Tony, Stephe, C, Rajan, Maggie, the person considered by no one to be the greatest passenger ever to sail to Antarctica, and some random guy.
The penguin approached cautiously. With his left flipper, he held the cup of urine away from the sleeping seal. This was it. But now, with his goal in sight, he began to question his desire to join the stupid penguin fraternity in the first place.
Antarctic Fact: There are no polar bears in Antarctica. Polar bears can only be found in zoos and on the planet Neptune.
Looks like some people didn't get the red jacket memo.
Penguin Fact: Chinstrap penguins tend to be Kobe Bryant fans while Adele penguins prefer Shaquille O'Neal.
This is Dave. He works for GAP. That is a shipwreck behind him. Coincidence? Conspiracy? Or possibly the work of ancient astronauts?
These tough looking Gentoo penguins were raised on the wrong side of the iceberg, if you know what I mean.
Antarctic Fact: The continent of Antarctica is so large, over 100 earths could fit inside.
This iceberg was once part of a glacier. Its life is now meaningless.
Mount I'll-just-make-up-a-name-and-you'll-believe me rises in the background.
A closer look at Mt. I-still-haven't-got-a-clue-as-to-what-the name-of-it-is.
This iceberg was built by the Civilian Conservation Corps back in 1943. Good job, boys!
The Lemaire Channel. Named after some hockey player, I guess.
Complete this analogy: The Lemaire Channel is to _____ as Michael Jackson is to _____.
And now 'Incomplete Thoughts'....by Brandon Muller: "Sometimes I wonder if the purpose of nature is actu
Penguin Fact: They taste like chicken.
"Seriously, Brandon. Won't you get sick of looking at glaciers?"
This penguin stormed off after I refused to deliver his certified letter to Gary Larson demanding royalties.
"Do you know what's going on?" "Maybe it's another drill." "You seen that new VT-16?" "Yeah some of the other guys were telling me about it. They say it's...it's quite a thing to see. What was that?" "Ah, it's nothing. Out gassing. Don't worry about it."
"Why did we run mother?" he asked. Bambi's mother looked at him and said quietly, "Man....has entered the rookery."
I enjoy dressing like an international jewel thief whenever I travel.
Antarctic Fact: Guano smells.
That ozone hole is getting out of hand.
Do I ever look happy in a picture?
There are 17 things wrong with this picture. Find them all!
Penguin thoughts: "What's with the weirdo in the tuxedo?"
This is one of them seal thingys.
The King of Antarctica lives in that palace. He's a good king and a mighty fine tango dancer.
This picture looked better before I photoshopped in all the ice and water. Sorry.
Aww...isn't it cute? Well, it will RIP YOUR STINKIN HEAD OFF and play with it like a circus seal in a three ring circus from HELL!
These young seals are acting out the violence they see on TV.
These are so-called crabeater seals because they like to eat seafood. (The black spot is back!!)
These seals are lying in their own poop. Just like me when I surf the net.
Yes, indeed. I *do* have a knack for ruining a perfectly good photo.
The Explorer isn't very good at hide 'n seek.
The Explorer is lonely.
The Explorer is shy.
The Explorer is single, ladies!
"I have a dream. That one day, bird and seal shall sit together on the same rock, with the Explorer in the background. I have a dream."
Antarctic Fact: It takes more muscles for a penguin to smile than it takes for a seal to tear a penguin into several bloody pieces of yummy seal food.
Explorer Fact: It's the only ship that Brad, our expedition leader, ever had to abandon. Also, GAP bought it right before it was set to be demolished. Fun facts!
The Explorer. Completely and perpetually surrounded by water and ice. But good luck trying to find a simple glass of water on board the darn thing.
This poor guy left his parka and pants back in Ushuaia. No one had any to spare for him.
"Hey, let's lounge around in warm volcanic water and act as though we're tough for braving Antarctic waters!"
Left to right: Marky Mark, Arthur, Ernie's bane, C-saw, the woman Ian Shaw and Stephe would fight to the death over, and that one guy I never talked to.
Deception Island. Or is that what it WANTS us to think?
Antarctic Fact: Penguins eat, on average, three spiders a year as they sleep.
I couldn't resist one last Perito Moreno photo! Thanks for looking at my photo album. I hope it has helped you procrastinate about something important that you really ought to be doing right now.
